In a glaring and irresponsible typographical error, President Bush today vowed to "tirelessly wage an incestant (sic), unyielding, unstoppable battle against breasts, cancer."
While the attempted triple-redundancy is rightly attributed to Bush, political pundits, analysts, and second-graders alike have been quick to point out the obvious typographical error, or "typo," in the above quote.
Commenting for the White House, Vice-President Dick Cheney said of the statement, "There's no way in fucking Hell (my boy Georgie) actually said that." Added Cheney, "No fucking way. Big time."
The Vice-President's sentiments were echoed by Timmy Doogan, 7, of Miss Leigh Van Cleef's second grade class at Mt. Vergel County Day School in Swampgoss, MD. Said Doogan, "I don't think the President would say that, 'cause he's nice, and fighting is bad." Upon reflection, Doogan added, "What's breasts? I have to pee."
Although most rational humans recognized the typo almost immediately, certain liberal organizations, particularly radical feminist groups, took to the streets in riotous droves without bothering to read past the inherently suspicious headline above.
"Breasts are good! Cancer's bad! See that alkie? Who's her dad?," chanted dozens of members of the National Organization for Women's White House Action Team (N.O.W. W.H.A.T.), at a protest march in Washington D.C. Similar protests were held across the country.
"That marble-mouthed, election-stealin' daddy's boy will beat cancer long before he ever beats these babies!," exclaimed self-proclaimed "uber-feminist" Angela Dorten, 24, 42-35-48, as she violently jiggled her large, asymmetrical breasts in the middle of a protest on Greever Avenue in downtown Butte, MT. 25% of the Butte population turned out for the event. Sources say the other 39 Butte residents are gainfully employed, more or less.
The now-infamous typo is rankling feathers in conservative nests, as well, but for different reasons. Some Right Wing factions have alleged that the typo is in fact a deliberate attempt by a Leftist conspiracy to besmirch the President's standing in the eyes of women and cancer, two traditionally Democratic voting blocks. These conspiracy theorists cite the fact that "breasts, cancer" is not actually one typo, but rather two consecutive and, in some minds, very deliberate typos.
Said Sherm Genwik, 48, of Oak Creek, KY, "See there, if you was tryin' to type 'breast cancer,' like them folks on the MSNBC is allegin', you'd hafta gone and not just slipped an extra 's' in there, so as to pluralize where'n you weren't really fixin' to, but hot dang if you wouldn't then hafta went and slapped an extra comma right smack dab after the 's' that you didn't mean to put down in the first place. Now that don't seem real likely, ya ask me." Genwik is a member in good standing of the Oak Creek Rod and Gun Club. He maintains that the whole "duct tape thing" from '87 was "a big misunderstanding."
While the President himself is said to have no comment at this time, an e-mail from an anonymous White House source, known only by the America Online screen name, "1stLadyB71154," claims that Bush "really, really hates cancer. But he's moderately fond of breasts. Especially mine."
